|
|
Post by ShadowMaster on Dec 6, 2003 4:41:09 GMT -5
"Darkness is not always deep and scary" Notes on the storyThe following work is a result of not so hard thinking,but this does not mean that it's bad in someway.I hope that none of you will say that I'm insane to write stories in my favourite genre,Horror... Do you know what is it to be dead?No?Well I know.Do you want to hear my story?You don't have enough time for that?Come on,I know you'll like it.Alright,just stay a while and listen.First of all,I must tell you that I'm not completely sure if this really happened or was just one of my nightmares.I like nightmares.They make me feel alive,though I'm not.It must have been a nightmare because it was really weird...
Sept 28th,1988;12:30 AM
(a page from a diary)
I was laying in my bed and was just going to fall asleep when I heard a strange noise comming from the basement.It was like there was someone down there.I rose up from the bed in panic,went to the first floor and headed for the basement door.I was sure that someone was trying to rob my house through the small basement window.I opened the door and walked in the dark room carefully like a cat.At first,I didn't turn on the lights because I didn't want to be seen by my midnight visitor,so it was depressingly dark.I was afraid of the dark before.Now I don't really care about such things.Maybe that's due to the fact that I was armed.I knew a that I would not be able to take a shot if I don't see anything,so I just went back and switched on the lights.Maybe that wasn't a good idea.Actually,there was something quite disturbing in my basement.I looked at the left corner and saw a wanderer,dressed in durty old clothes, who was sitting on the floor with his back turned against me,and was holding something before his face.I was not able to see what it was.
-E-excise me,sir,but would you mind leaving my home?-asked I nervously.
He didn't react at first but then I heard a chewing sound
and realised that the man was eating something.The strange guy didn't respond to my words so I continued talking:
-Sir,are you okey?
The wanderer turned against me.His face was stained with blood that was slowly leaking through his mouth.The monster streched its hands towards me and I saw that it had two bleeding holes instead of eyes.
Breath of tained meat(flesh?!)stirred my face.The room was suddenly plunged into complete darkness...
29 Sep,1988;10:30 AM
(RPD Police Department)
-Alright,Mr Crackman...Let's repeat the last part.Why did you shot the old man in your basement?
-I-I'm telling you,he was not a man...h-he...
-What then,Mr Crackman?A vampire,a ghost,a zombie?
-That's what I'm trying to tell you...
-You know what,Mr Crackman?
-...
-I don't believe you.I just can't.I read your diary...
-What diary!?I don't have a diary.Someone is trying to fool you!
-Since you cannot give me at least one acceptable answer,Mr Crackman,I think you need qualified help.What about something like The Medison Pcihology Clinic...
A page from Mr Crackman's diary,dated from Sep 28,1988(1:29 AM)
"...There was someone in the basement of my house..."
"...I shot him in the back,through the heart,less than an hour ago.He was a wanderer who I had never met before.I watched him writhe in pain upon the floor in a pool of his own blood.The expression on his face was positively exquisite.He died with his eyes wide open,staring up at me.It was beautiful..."
End |
|
|
|
Post by gotenks992 on Dec 6, 2003 13:22:29 GMT -5
Wow that's pretty good.
|
|
|
|
Post by ChaosLord on Jan 9, 2004 10:45:01 GMT -5
It's nice.
|
|
|
|
Post by ShadowMaster on Jan 9, 2004 10:54:41 GMT -5
Thank you, guys. I'm working on a new chapter and I will post it as soon as it's ready.
|
|
|
|
Post by gotenks992 on Jan 9, 2004 11:24:48 GMT -5
what did you say SM you didn't put anyhthng in that post?
|
|
|
|
Post by ShadowMaster on Jan 9, 2004 11:30:15 GMT -5
Sorry, do you see it now?
|
|
|
|
Post by gotenks992 on Jan 9, 2004 11:31:43 GMT -5
yea i do see it can't wait for the next chapter.
|
|
|
|
Post by ChaosLord on Jan 9, 2004 11:41:08 GMT -5
I see it now.
The monster in this story sure was scary...
|
|
|
|
Post by ShadowMaster on Jan 15, 2004 2:46:31 GMT -5
Chapter Two
Life is a quickly changing cycle. You never know what's next... 1 It was six o'clock and the sun had just went down. John Crackman was sitting at the corner of his bed, listening to the monotonous sound, that was coming from the room's only window. Actually, he didn't know what was cosing it, but the silent knocking on the window in the room that was now his prison, seemed rather pleasant and was helping him forget about the misery which was following him, like the fierce predator hunts its prey. Suddenly a thin voice came from the side of the small window, that got John out of the melancholy that had overcame him: - Wont anyone let me in? - Who are you? - asked John. - Is it so important for you to know? - I think so. - I am just a ghost. A miserable, lost spirit from another dimention... Why don't you just let me in so that we can talk? - I'm really sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm inprisoned in here. - It is not necessary. All you have to do is to simply invite me... - Alright, you are invited. Soon after that the room was swallowed by a bright, red light, coming from the window that unexpectedly shattered. Thousands of small glass pieces sprinkled on the floor and shortly after the light dissapeared, the room was filled with thick, green fog. -  Mr Crackman heard the hurring noise of Mr Brown's steps, who obviosly was sober enough to be able to walk...[/i] That was only to first part of the second chapter and I will really appreciate it if someone helps improving the expressions and the use of words and adjectives in it... I wan't it to sound better but this is how it is when I try to translate something from Bulgarian to English, it becomes better if I write it directly to English... Some comments will make me happy as well. |
|
|
|
Post by ChaosLord on Jan 15, 2004 15:35:41 GMT -5
I think your story's fine.The expressions are very good too, I cant suggest any improvements.
|
|
|
|
Post by JCB on Jan 16, 2004 13:31:03 GMT -5
You know I read this but forgot to say how good it is.
This is a great story and I agree with Chos Lord it is fine. But if you want I can read it over again and see if I can help.
|
|
|
|
Post by ShadowMaster on Jan 16, 2004 13:33:49 GMT -5
ok, I will be ahppy if someone helps me improve things in it...
|
|
|
|
Post by JCB on Jan 16, 2004 14:10:07 GMT -5
My first thought is, how did Mr. know the window broke? I'm asking because you could easily say instead of, "Soon after that the room was swallowed by a bright, red light, coming from the window that unexpectedly shattered. Thousands of small glass pieces sprinkled on the floor and shortly after the light dissapeared, the room was filled with thick, green fog." you could use "Soon after that the room was swallowed by a bright, red light, coming from the window. Suddenly the window shattered with a loud crash, sprinkling thousands of small glass pieces on the floor. Shortly after the light dissapeared, the room was filled with thick, green fog."
I don't like run on sentances. You didn't have real long onse but there were some places that I could split it. I also rearanged a couple of words and added in "loud crash".
|
|
|
|
Post by ShadowMaster on Jan 22, 2004 11:40:37 GMT -5
Yes, but then I will have "Soon after that" repeated twice in one and the same paragraph.
|
|
|
|
Post by gotenks992 on Jan 22, 2004 12:11:47 GMT -5
Nice job on the second one SM.
|
|
